


So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way

by tinybluefishy



Category: Veronica Mars (Movie 2014), Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:06:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24400282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinybluefishy/pseuds/tinybluefishy
Summary: What if Carrie told Logan about the night Susan Knight Died?
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way

**Author's Note:**

> This idea struck me out of nowhere, the idea that what if instead of being killed Carrie got brave and told Logan what happened on the Serendipity.
> 
> This is my first fanfic in over a decade, but ISO got me inspired, it is un-betaed and all mistake are my own.
> 
> I'd love to hear what anyone thinks. title is from Both Sides of Now by Joni MItchell.

She was high, he knew that the moment he opened the door.

Joni Mitchell croning from the stereo meant that he was in for the sort of maudlin that only came when she mixed her drug of choice with booze. That knowledge came from the set of her shoulders and the way she hugged her legs to her chest buried deep in the overstuffed sofa that dominated her living room.

‘Carrie?’ he whispered as he knelt on the carpet in front of her. The look he received when her eyes met his telling him that she’d already forgotten the tearful phone conversation they’d had 20 minutes earlier. 

‘You ok?’ He knew the question was stupid and redunant as soon as it left his lips but it seems like he couldn’t help himself but ask it anyway.

‘Am I ok?’ She replied with as tearful laugh, ‘Well thats a stupid question, Logan, of course I’m fine look at me, doesn’t this just scream fine and dandy to you?’ 

She waved a hand down her body encompassing her pajama covered legs and faded band tee, as he did so her eyes met his for the first time since he walked into the room. Pain reflected back at him, so deep that he didn’t know if he would have the strength to pull her out of this one, to make her go back to rehab and to hope to hell that is stuck this time.

‘Do you ever get the feeling that your demons are going to swallow you whole Logan?’ The words came out in a cracked broken whisper, that he wouldn't have heard if he wasn't within a foot of her. His hand reaching out to touch her but failing and falling back against his pant leg.

‘Come on Carrie, you know how strong you are, if I can turn into a semi functional adult with my demons sitting on my shoulder, yours don't have a chance against you.’

Her tears started falling from her face unbidden, hands scrubbing down her pajama covered legs, her head dropping back onto the top of the couch as if the ceiling of her condo could swallow her whole and save her from whatever demon was chasing her today.

‘Your demons,’ her voice becoming steely and strangely coherent for some who was both high out of her mind and drunk a skunk, ‘Your demons, Logan, are things that have happened to you, your mother, your father, Veronica, Lilly. You couldn’t control that, any of that, but my demons Logan are things that I have done. I can’t blame anyone else for them but me.’ 

He scrubbed his palm up over his face, tired already of this fight that they were going to have again. She had touched on the subject of her demons exactly once before that time had left her rocking backwards and forward silently in the fetal position. Followed by her longest stint in rehab yet.  
‘I’m pretty sure that I have to take some of the blame, for at least some of them Carrie, I can’t blame in all one the people I've loved over the course of my life.’

‘The people you’ve loved have all let you down at some point Logan, at least I know I’m in good company there.’ Her huff of laughter in her chest made her sink further back into the couch, her tear filled eyes holding steady with his searching gaze.

‘Yeah, You have let me down Carrie, but you keep fighting and I’m always going to be beside you, I’ll always have your back and be there whenever you need me.’ He finally gave in to the need to touch her, his hands slowly wrapping around her feet.

The resounding sob that left her body physically hurt him to hear. ‘I don’t deserve you Logan, I probably never did, but I definitely don’t now. You’d agree with me if you knew the truth.’

‘What truth Carrie? What are you talking about?’ 

It was painful to watch the tears stream down her face as she slowly rocked back and forth on the couch, his hands acting as an anchor to reality for her. Her eyes bore into his, like she was trying to tell him something telepathically in order to keep herself from saying the actual words.

Finally choking back the sobs her eyes shifting to her hands in her lap she opened her mouth, ‘Logan, the last girl you were in love with, She was willing to burn the whole damn world down in order to find out who killed her best friend, and me, I weighed my best friend's body down with an anchor and threw it overboard.’

The shock of the words hit him like a hammer to the chest, ‘What are you talking about Carrie?’ he lightly shook her feet, her eyes drifting up to meet his again. It was like floodgates opening the word kept spilling from her mouth and him helpless, being slammed in their wake.

‘We were on dad’s boat, a boat party seemed like such a fun idea. I convinced Susan to come, she hated boats, couldn’t swim but I convinced her to come, told her that we’d have a great time, blow off the steam from the first year of College and just be young. So she came. We danced, we laughed, all had way too much to drink, it was good. Dick had already passed out on the couch on the topdeck Then Gia and Luke offered up whatever it was Stu bought along it seemed like a good idea at the time.’ 

Finally she shifted on the couch rocking her body forward so that her hands rested over his on her feet, her eyes bright with tears as she closed them and began again to speak.

‘Susan got really low, it wasn’t uncommon for drugs to send her down the rabbit hole of everything she’d lost and what she’d given up to still be there with us, partying on a borrowed boat. She went downstairs, said something to me not wanting to ruin everyone else’s night and took herself off to bed.’ Her shoulders shrug and slump forward, as if the memory is too heavy for her to keep on going.

He asked the question, already sure that he didn't actually want to know the answer. ‘What happened then Carrie? What happened to Susan?’

His question coupled with a squeeze of her feet got her mouth unstuck she told him about checking on her later, her best friend struggling to breathe and Cobbs reassurance that this was totally normal for someone who’d bottomed out on that the drug give her a couple more hours and she’d be back to normal. Then how she’d gone back up top sat next to Gia and gossiped about boys and people they’d gone to high school with, that his name had been mentioned.

‘After a couple of hours I went back down to check again, and she wasn’t breathing at all. My best friend died while I was gossiping about your latest break up with Veronica Mars. I screamed and everyone but Dick came running, and I just kept on screaming. Gia just stood there while Luke started pacing about worrying about his dad and his career, when my best friend had just died. I suggested calling the Coast Guard, but Cobb I guess worried about the drugs or something suggests we just get rid of the body. That we weigh it down with an anchor and push it overboard while still out at sea. Gia and Luke were panicking and I was still so high that I went along with it. 

‘Cobb took a photo of us doing it, he didn’t help but took a photo instead. When we got home after we’d finished talking to the cops, and the coast guard, Luke, Gia and I got an email, it was a photo he’d taken on his cellphone of the three of us hauling Susan’s body overboard with a rope tied around her legs. At first he said he just wanted money, $50K from the three of us and he’d keep our secret.’ 

Suddenly shock registers on her previously blank face, like she’d just realized she wasn’t alone and just what she’d said. Her hands clamping back over her mouth. 

‘Oh god, he’s going to kill me Logan! He’d kill me before he ever let that information become public. He’s gotten very used to the life that his blackmail has bought him. My money, Luke’s connections and Gia’s body, he will never give it up. We’d all go to jail if it ever got out but he’d kill me, and probably set you up to take the fall before he ever let that happen.’ Her body shudders again with tears the inconsolable type that sent her body rocking back and forth on her plush sofa. 

He moved up onto the couch next to her wrapping his arm tightly around her back as her body shook violently. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there, but at some point her exhaustion claimed her and she drifted off to sleep. He laid her flat on the sofa, covering her body with the throw from the back of the couch. His eyes drifting to the windows opposite, the sun had somehow come up without him noticing. 

He knew what he had to do, pulling his phone from his pocket he sighed as he came across the number that he hadn’t deleted or used in almost a decade. He dialed and when a weary voice answered on the other end he spoke the words he never thought he’d say again. 

‘I need your help Veronica.’


End file.
